What’s the best feeling in the world?
Well, probably an orgasm.
Or maybe a sneeze that’s been coming for a long time (which is sort of like an orgasm in your nose…well, not really—but you know the feeling I’m talking about). I remember a few random lines from a birds-and-the-bees book for parents to help kids learn about sex (It’s called “Where Did I come From“, and I think it’s an excellent book: “like peanuts without the ‘t’”…..”rhymes with Carolina”….and “it’s like a sneeze…only better” . That’s where that comes from.
Or the perfect massage, under the perfect conditions, all senses shut down except for the feeling of a touch, firm fingers moving across the body, pressing, kneading, rubbing, and sometimes causing what I call the sensation of the “good hurt”. I know you know what I mean.
Or being able to breathe again after a cold…..that first toe touch into warm ocean waters in a tropical locale……being able to sleep in, in the perfect bed–clean sheets, soft blankets, and a just-the-right pillow…
I was actually thinking more like when you grab a pair of jeans, fresh from the dryer, pull them on….and they zip up. Easily.
No stretching and squatting, no grunting and panting, no lying on the bed trying to pull that damn zipper up. No marks across your belly and your ass that won’t go away for an hour after you take them off. I’m talking about pants that fit like you’ve been wearing them forever.
That’s what happened to me when we began the process of divorce.
My pants fit.
I hadn’t had an appetite in months, and I think I managed to drop about 25 pounds in just a short while; in fact, I think I was back to where I was at the end of my year-long diet.
But that was a year ago. Now I’m divorced, happy, and have my appetite back. And then some, sometimes.
I still have two or three “incentive” dresses (my friend Susan calls them “goal dresses”)….whatever you call them, mine are still in my closet with the tags on…another winter past and they’ll stay there again (hopefully they’ll still be in style next fall).
Which, in a very roundabout way, brings me to today’s subject: life hacks.
About a month ago, I was having one of those very uncomfortable mornings; I can’t remember if I was wearing a skirt or a dress (one that fit, obviously), but it seems my pantyhose were a size too small. And they did what pantyhose tend to do when they are pretty much stretched as far as they want to go.
They started to roll.
From my waist to just below it, they kept rolling down. And I’d grab the sides and hitch ‘em up, but as soon as I sat, they’d start to roll again.
Man, I really, really hate that.
So when Kim said good morning and asked me how I was doing, I told her about my all-too-real struggle with an invisible-to-everyone-but-me problem. Since she asked (she probably didn’t want to know all that, but oh well).
She simply turned to me and said, “put a pair of underwear on outside the pantyhose—it keeps them from rolling down.”
Yep, she explained, they can’t roll down when there’s something on the outside holding them up.
How did I not know this? And doesn’t it feel like you’re wearing…well…a second pair of underwear?
“You won’t even notice,” she said.
How many other tidbits, shortcuts, life hacks did I not know about? What else was I missing?
I went on line and googled. I’ll be damned, there are thousands.
For example, did you know:
- Doritos make good kindling for campfires (who figured that out? Actually, never mind, i can actually picture one or two people I know experimenting with that);
- You can use a piece of uncooked spaghetti as a wick for a candle;
- If you put plastic wrap on banana stems, it will keep the bunch fresher, longer (I’ll need to research the whys of that one);
- Use a clothes pin to hold a small nail in place to hammer it in (bam! that’s a good one);
- If you put baking soda in with hard boiled eggs while they’re cooking, the shells will come off easily (def going to try this next time I cook eggs);
- Put a knee high over the nozzle of the vacuum to find small things like earring backs and contact lenses and precious gems if you’re scattering them around;
- A wooden spoon across a pot of water keeps it from boiling over (no way!);
- (also I wrote down “Nutella and ice cream”. I have no idea what that means…but it sounds good.)
Here are a few I can share that I did know about:
- Did you know that if you are trying to pay at the pump in the US with a Canadian credit card, when it asks for your zip code, you can type in the three numbers in your postal code plus the numbers “99” and it will work? Apparently 90210 works too.
- Did you know….that putting a bar of soap in each of your clothing drawers will help everything smell fresh? Plus you will always have soap on hand.
- Do you put paper towels at the bottom of your garbage can? Doesn’t have to be a lot, but it soaks up any liquid you might throw in there and keeps the trash from getting too messy.
Anyway, the moral of this story is that everyone has a good life hack or two they should share with the world. Kim’s life hack on the underwear-over-the-pantyhose? I tried it the next time I wore that same damn pair of pantyhose—put a pair of big girl panties over top.
While they didn’t exactly roll down, I did feel like I had an extra layer of stuff on (which I did); I felt like I had a giant roll at my waist where the underwear and the rolled pantyhose came to rest (I think I was wearing a print dress, so no one could really see it, but I knew it was there. All day, I knew it was there). I got home and immediately took all my layers off.
On top of all of that, I got a run. Which was fine because they were destined for the trash anyway (hey, I wonder if they could absorb the moisture in the bottom of the bag?)
And as I was about to toss the pantyhose away, I decided to cut ‘em off at the knee.
Because I never know when I might toss my diamonds on the floor.
What about you? Got any good life hacks to share?